My heart you can collect, now.

I can’t count the reasons I should stay; one by one they all just fade away

So this was written the day before my now-ex broke up with me. Which is to say that I knew what was coming but lately I’ve forgotten because it was supposed to be MY decision to make.

All I can do now is reread this several times a day and hope it gives me the strength to continue existing (as it is insanely burdensome right now).

—-

An open letter to my failing/failed relationship:

I’m afraid I’ll forgive you, what’s more, I’m afraid I’ll forgive you all too easily.
I’m afraid I don’t give myself the self-respect that (anyone) deserves and I will let you get away with all the terrible things you have done to me. Again.
I’m afraid I’ve created a monster that will trample upon everyone else as easily as you have done to me.
I’m afraid that I’ve filled your already inflated ego to the point where it is incorrigible.

I am too good for you, and you have ALWAYS known that.
I am at a different station in life, I have almost all of everything figured out.
You are immature, insensitive, and thoughtless.
I am smarter, arguably more attractive (definitely less skeezy), less fake, and have a much brighter future and better friends than you; why do you think your brothers like me better than they like you?

Every single time you are out, I am worried you are cheating on me, because I have no trust for you. But YOU did that.
I have all the love in the world for you, but I no longer have trust. I no longer like you as a person.
I have never asked you to blow off your plans for me, but I have gotten mad when you blow off our plans for others.
I have NEVER been able to lie to ANYONE, least of all anyone I care about.
If anyone were in my position, they would’ve left you a long time ago and never looked back.

I am at a point in my life where I weigh the price of pride and the worth of self-respect.
I am never too sure whether it is worth the effort to put my problems and more importantly, my pride, on the back burner in order to give the relationship a fighting chance. But I’m sure that its chances at a title were over long before it even began.
It takes SEVERAL months of coaxing to finally ensnare me into a relationship.

I forget NOTHING. Every single thing that has happened to me, good or bad, sits in the back and sometimes forefront of my brain. Every thing in my past affects my actions and thoughts and personality as a whole in the present, completely shapes my future.
That is why if I let anyone in my heart or my life as part of a relationship, they need to understand the heavy nature of the task they are undertaking.
However, you are treating me like a prize to be won, a one-time only thing, in which once possessed, you throw away.
You pursued me, chased me; and now that you have me, you toss me aside.
Your failures and flaws will continue to haunt me until my deathbed. You MADE me let you in without ever once planning to take responsibility for me or for your actions. 

Once upon a time you convinced me I was worth it, and now you make it painstakingly clear that I am not worth even an infinitesimal amount of effort.

You are confrontational, arrogant, self-centered, defensive, and everything I thought you were from day one.
You are young, you are wrong for me, you are everything I never wanted to date.
For a while you proved me wrong. You tried so hard. You persisted.

I don’t ask for much. I am used to hearing from my boyfriends every day. Now I only ask that you talk to me without my prompting maybe even once a week.
If you need to hear affection from strangers, girls who do not care about you the way I do, then you should have never wasted my time or my feelings.
You are hurtful and you do not belong in a relationship. 

This is a relationship with a deadline. Once it runs out, I know you are done with me. But it seems as though you are done with me far before the arbitrary deadline.
I cannot change your mind, I cannot change your heart. Neither of which seem to be in this relationship any longer.

You disrespect me, and what’s worse, you have made me disrespect myself.

If you want me to leave you so bad; you are a coward. You want to sleep with other girls? Or try? Go ahead. No one will have you the way I did. And by the time you realize that, it will be far too late.

The influences in your life are flawed. Your father is wrong. If he couldn’t handle keeping his own marriage together, what in the world grants him the authority to speak on behalf of relationships or people even?
You want to idolize the men (or should I say boys) in your life because they can pull girls? Alright, let’s see how that emotional track wreck ends for you.
You are a huge debacle of the human experience. Your separation anxiety from your father and your home is not only crippling but perturbing and will make it impossible for you to advance in any aspect of your life, least of all relationships.

The Greek life you have chosen only fosters poor choices and poorer lifestyle decisions. It encourages infidelity, rewards heartlessness and promiscuity, and destroys all sense of being genuine. I haven’t been able to tell who is real and who is not for years. Given the chance (which you will once I leave), you would cheat on me. And all your brothers think that, I think that, you probably deep down think and know that.

You used to look at me with such care and tenderness.
Now you look at me with dead eyes and disappointment.

There is only so far in that I can take the “what if” question. What if I tried to keep our relationship afloat longer?
Well, what if I destroy myself in doing so? 

You are definitely taking me for granted.
If I left now for a new country, a new continent, a new planet… You would never notice. In fact, you’d probably be happier being relieved of your boyfriend duties (none of which you perform). 

Perhaps one day you will learn to grow up. But I will be far away, and hopefully happier for it.
Perhaps one day you will realize you were wrong. But I will be long gone. 

Here’s to hoping my lucid moment of strength and clarity will prevail when we talk tomorrow.
I don’t want to spend my summer this miserable.
I am not the person you have turned me into. 

—

The experiences you have gone through should have humbled you, should have made you a better person. Instead you corrupt them into these brief moments in life that you believe make you invincible.

You used me for the challenge, for the experience. Being your first EVERYTHING meant so much to me, and nothing to you.

I told you that I loved you, (yes prematurely, and not definitely but I didn’t even think I liked you so what was left), and that sent you running. You closed your heart off to me, but who knows what was there to begin with?

Every single person told me not to break your heart. Well the joke’s on them. 

2 days ago
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 #personal #relationships #or more accurately; #relationship failures

So much senioritis…

Undergrad exam time after I’ve been accepted to an Ivy League school for a grad program is basically the epitome of all things senioritis.

Instead of studying like I should be, you know, to ensure I graduate and all, here are some gifs explaining my attitude towards life:

1 month ago
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5 notes
 #idgaf #exam time #senioritis #april is a stupid month anyway #university

Ready, set, 4AM rant, GO:

Alright, so, because I’m sick and bored (and mainly, I really could use a lot of brain-numbing reality TV), I started watching Sorority Girls for the very obvious lols.

So let’s set aside the obvious blah, blah, blah, this show is a false representation of sorority girls and NPC and Greek life, etc. Because I would sincerely hope that anyone with even half of slightly functional brain can ascertain for themselves that this isn’t how real people act.

However, what subsequently followed was a casual tumblr search for sorority+girls to find the girls’ NPC associations and hope like hell my sorority was not involved (it wasn’t; thanks universe). Instead, what followed were posts upon posts of ignorance and quite frankly, stupidity.

An open letter to ignorance:

First of all, I’m not going to bother apologizing for being hostile; it was warranted.

Anyways this is for all you sad people that call every single sorority girl a “sorostitute” or “stupid” or “vapid” (just kidding, you would never use such an intelligible word considering you have all of 7 working brain cells) etc. You are blatant little wastes of lebensraum.

Excuse you for stereotyping and generalizing until you’ve essentially dehumanized countless amounts of women. (Or, yes, fraternity men, Greek members of society, etc. But I won’t bother speaking on their behalf since I am not a fraternity man and therefore do not know wholeheartedly how they act.)

So this is setting me off a tirade against humanity, because really, who do you think you are? How is it socially acceptable to be so degrading against fellow members of society? How can you judge someone for their letters and not for their individual pursuits, achievements, or interests?

How can you openly use terms with such negative connotations as “sorostitute” to address people you don’t know, or rather, people you refuse to bother knowing? This is how oppression begins; it’s how terms such as the n-word or “faggot” become integrated into language and normalized until almost commonplace usage. To be more dramatic, it is the downfall of society.

I for one am a very proud member of my sorority and I have put a lot into it. However, I am much more than that. Lately, I’ve made multiple personal strides academically and personally (personal note: I got into a graduate level program at an Ivy League, yay!) I can definitely hold conversation in the realm of politics, literature, theoretical physics, and fine arts. I can confidently say that I probably know more about NAFTA than the average human being. And I can rationally argue my reasons as to why I don’t think highly of any of the GOP candidates. Has that transcended your opinion of the sorority girl yet? No? Well I do also participate heavily in my sorority; I hold two officer positions, I schedule events, and yes, shockingly, I do socialize. Is the way I network different from non-Greeks? Maybe, but I wouldn’t bet on it. 

However, yes, I realize that amongst the sororities of the world, there are bound to be shallow and vacuous girls. However, that is true of every group in existence, and even more aptly, that is true of the entire world. 

My best friend was/is disgusted with me for joining a sorority. She only knew the stereotypical societal images of hazing and judgement. She literally switches to a tone of utter distaste when I mention my sorority in passing, even when the context is something like “my sorority raised over $1,000 in our last philanthropy event”. She simply mutters something about hazing and clones. Every member of my sorority has something unique and valuable to offer. We are all very different; culturally, racially, religiously, and personality-wise. My sorority does not haze. Hazing is absolutely illegal in my country and unacceptable in my society. I’ve gotten her to accept and realize that there are exceptions to the rule. But I feel as though with rising standards and basic humanity requirements, sororities have gotten much better; instead of being the exception, it is the rule. 

In the post that set me off, the author writes that it’s “real classic sororities”. Um, what? First, please, let me know what a “classic” sorority is, and then feel free to tell me how my sorority (founded in 1897) is “fake”.

(Another clarification: The initial post (here) that sparked my outrage is from one of those lovely people in this world that find it okay to openly use offensive terms for human beings. I don’t understand how, especially if you’re in a minority group or a group that is constantly stereotyped, you can turn around and validate such behavior by displaying it yourself. But that’s a whole different problem I have with the world and its thoroughly ungrateful residents.)

This other post (here) that discusses the “typical” sorority girl and how counter-feminist she is absolutely appalls me for other reasons. Primarily, it recalls the question, who in the world are you to define what typical is? Perhaps if people could get out of their media-developed lives and foster opinions that are based upon empirical experience rather than what movies or reality TV shows have led us to believe, we could advance as a species.

I would never, and will never, dumb myself down when talking to a guy. I realize that this comes with the side effect of them calling me “intimidating” but it’s not as though it’s a quality I would change or pretend to hide, no matter who I’m with. Of course, there are girls in general who do this sort of bullshit thing and by all means if you want to call them out for it, go ahead. Just leave your stereotypes out of it.

So sorry I’m not sorry (sarcasm, just in case you don’t catch it),

- A proud sorority girl

1 month ago
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4 notes
 #sorority #personal #rant #tirade #greeks #sorority girls #npc #aoii #Alpha Omicron Pi #fraternity #sororities #frat #fraternities #sorority girl

Things that are right with my world:

+ I got accepted to BU!

+ Fiji formal was last night, and I’m sweetheart!

My FIJI sweetheart rose next to my AOII bid day rose :)

+ I finished my last undergrad essay ever (fingers crossed)

Now I can go back to my usual:

(PS: the weather is really pretty)

GRAD CLASS ‘12!

2 months ago
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2 notes
 #university #boston university #life plans #look i have a future and no longer need to be homeless #personal #sorority #fiji #greek life #lazy college senior #woohoo!